Living your daily life, you need no reminder of how climate has affected people. Stark warnings to use less water, drive less, or be mindful of plastic cutlery or straws are being pushed on people everywhere, directly the the consumer. But, if you drive out of –say, Sacramento, CA– the hostile central valley (an inhospitable and bone-dry landscape by all signs), you soon start to see small dottings of unnatural greenery. Farms, which, by the look of things, aren’t restricted by the water shortages that everyday consumers are pushed to worry about.
It’s not just water, either. Overall carbon emissions, meaning the “net” carbon of a company for all activity produced, are overwhelmingly made up by private companies as well. Over 71% of all carbon emissions come from 100 companies, which, according to a study conducted by CO2 AI and BCG, have no intentions of stopping. Even with measures put in place by people concerned about the environmental impact they’re producing, only 14% of all companies surveyed reduced their emissions in the last 5 years. For context, total carbon emissions –those being fossil fuels and byproducts of the industry– are estimated at around 37 Billion Metric tons annually. If these 100 companies, who make up a tiny portion of the population around the world, contribute 71% of these emissions, they alone produce 26 Billion metric tons of carbon dioxide each year, with no signs of stopping.
It should also be important to emphasize why it matters that the focus shifts to companies’ wrongdoings, instead of citizens. It is not to shift the blame, but rather, to assign the appropriate responsibilities to who –or what– is doing the harm. A single person cannot do as much damage as a corporate entity. Even if you did everything carbon negative –drove a fuel inefficient car, kept an expansive non-native lawn, and ate meat, among other things– it would be nearly impossible for you to compare to even a fraction of the damage done by larger groups. On top of that, companies are the ones who can make big changes. Many people, whether that be people in the southwest who are struggling to meet daily needs with the little water they have, or others who have to commute to the only job they have, cannot choose another option for their lifestyle. Of course, while some have that choice, such flexibility is not often available to the individual. But companies have the power to make big changes, and with smaller repercussions. Blame for the climate crisis should not be shifted away from those doing the most harm, but companies need to be held accountable for their actions.
Nicely done! I think it is great how this is so factual without much bias, leaving it hard for the reader to disagree. Your main idea was very clear as it was stated in the beginning but then also throughout, most clearly in the first sentence of the last paragraph. This made it very easy to comprehend your focus! To add a little more power to this, I suggest specifically stating where you got your evidence/statistics from.
I felt that this was well organized, as I never was confused or felt uncomfortable with the transitions, and the flow into your call of action worked great and made sense.
Lastly, your tone was confident and demanding, improving the effect of the essay. The only other suggestion I have is in the second paragraph, you say no intentions of stopping and then no signs of stopping. Maybe just play around with changing one of those so they aren’t too similar?
Overall, great job!!
Category 1: Idea Development
PRAISE: You did a great job of developing a clear and focused main idea!
SUGGESTION: I think your argument is well supported as is, but you could include another type of evidence along with statistics.
Category 2: Organization
PRAISE: The article flows very nicely and the call to action fits in well at the end.
SUGGESTION: I don’t think there are any organizational issues.
Category 3: Style
PRAISE: The tone used in your article is especially engaging and contributes to your persuasiveness throughout.
SUGGESTION: Your introduction is highly effective, but you could possibly make your initial introduction more personal to an experience you had to strengthen your established credibility.
I really liked this essay especially your style of writing it was very interesting to read and you have a very unique writing voice. I liked how you mixed logos with pathos by adding in statistics and facts and balanced those with how individuals are being affected. Maybe you could add a paragraph at the end to wrap up the arguments you made and provide a call to action that includes all the other reasons you had throughout the essay. I liked the first paragraph, which really draws the reader in by using the second person pov to engage the reader. Good job on this essay!